While the work week has been rather nice, my personal life has been a bit hectic this week, and especially these last two days. I’m at the point today where I don’t really know how I should feel because all the emotions are bubbling around in a chaotic brew. So, here’s another installment of journaling on the treadmill, but this time I have the music I’m listening to listed at the top.
This is a long entry and the first part of a two-parter that will be continued the next day.
I can’t even remember the exact day at this point because so much is swirling around in my head. What do I remember is my partner messaging me that her best friend had called her without heads up or warning to ask if she should come over for a bit to talk. I, simultaneously, got some messages on telegram asking the same thing from the best friend, but I didn’t get notifications due to my phone being set up to block notifications while I’m on the treadmill.
My partner and I coordinated and despite me having a meeting scheduled at the same time as the best friend coming over, I said no problem. To make a long story short, I got out of the meeting and sat down at the kitchen table to find out that a close friend, we’ll call him J, was found dead in his home from suicide. This wasn’t the news my partner nor I were expecting and even though I didn’t know him very well, I was crushed but went into tactical emotional support pup mode.
The rest of the week had its ups and downs as grief came in waves. I recall the weirdest feeling of not believing it was true or forgetting that it had happened for a moment only for my brain to remind me that it, indeed, had happened and that J is no longer with us. It’s not that I was being insensitive or not acknowledging his passing, but my brain was really struggling to grapple with that fact that another human being I knew is no longer living because of suicide. Just a few days before hearing about this, I had posted on my Bluesky profile about the importance Men’s Mental Health.
It was not really that death that rattled me so much as it was the mental health issues. We knew J had some problems with loneliness and was a bit socially awkward, but I don’t think any of us really thought it was this bad. It’s not uncommon for folks to mask how they really feel, after all. It was very difficult for me to not think about how I was in a similar situation back in 2012/13 and more recently in 2019/20/21. Being able to relate so much, and on such a visceral-feeling level, had me internalizing his own feelings in the last moments. Well, what I assume was going through his mind anyway. I could feel his pain because I had felt it before and I broke down. Everything came crashing back to me, but through his eyes in a strange way. I’ve struggled with depression since, fuck I don’t know, middle school? This is not the entry to go into that topic, but suffice it to say that this shook me.
It was finally Saturday and the work day was winding down. I had everything laid out for the pup night at a gay bar up in Charlotte. I was absolutely pumped for this because it was my first time going to any sort of pup event in a couple of years. I had particularly been craving this for the past few months.
The main reason it had been so long since the last pup event was due to my overwhelming anxiety sort of destroying my experience. Look, ADHD, social anxiety, depression, and a bit of autism (probably) make for a hell of a drug that does unexpected things sometimes. BUT! It has been a couple of years and I have been working on myself a lot in that time. I’ve been tackling my depression, I have a partner now, I have been chipping away at my anxiety and working on coping skills. I had a plan for, like, 80% of scenarios that could come up at the bar to trigger my anxiety. I had played through these situations in my mind and worked out what I should do, fought the bad brain juices to remind myself that I CAN do this.
During the drive up to Charlotte, we were probably about halfway through the 90 minute or so drive, I got a telegram message from my submissive. This boy is the most incredible pup I’ve ever met and has done an amazing job taking my guidance and advice to make healthy changes in his life. I love this skunk pup to pieces and he’s easily my best friend and will be my best man in the wedding. There was even a point in time where we were thinking about dating. Truth be told, he’s still an integral part of my relationship with my partner and we see him as a part of our family. I live to see this pup happy and healthy.
The telegram message, which made it through my do not disturb settings because of the contents, came up on the CarPlay screen and I asked my partner to take a look. Things escalated in what felt like both forever and immediately at the same time. The entire timeline is blurred together with the help of a rainstorm at the same time.
In short, he was pulled over by the police and eventually ICE was involved because his last name was flagged as foreign. The police could not find him in any of their systems and the car’s registration tag (the probable cause for the traffic stop) was not showing up valid. Panic set in and I was fighting the urge to reach out to my parents for contact information of a lawyer. I was scared I was going to lose my pup even though he’s a natural born citizen and as white as can be. We never expected this to happen to him, but it did.
The only reason, according to ICE, that he wasn’t detained right then and there is because he had his passport card which proved his citizenship status. We all let out a huge and collective sigh of relief. However, there was a lot of turmoil between when we found out he was pulled over, potentially in a lot of trouble, and when we got the all clear.
Short backstory time: I cannot take much of the news at once these days. It’s so toxic and bad for mental health that I ultimately avoid almost everything going on. Is it bad to not be informed of what’s going on? Probably. Is being informed worth the spiraling and deepening depression that eats away at my will to live? Absolutely not. Is there a middle ground? Eh, I’m sure there is, but I don’t want to risk my wellbeing and my partner’s wellbeing trying to find it. These days, I read a few headlines a day and that’s it.
Nothing gets me more fired up than the past and current T** administrations. This was brought to a whole new level of fired up when my partner told me about ICE now trying to deport natural born citizens and a laundry list of other bullshit things that he is trying to do. Earlier in the week, I had asked my partner if it’s okay if she doesn’t talk to me about J because I was having a hard time compartmentalizing things.
In the car on the way to Charlotte, I had asked her to not talk about the news with me right now because I was overwhelmed and fired up. I couldn’t take it after what we just went through with my pup. Combined with what happened with J, this was a bit too much and she shut down. Later, after discussing things, I can easily see her perspective on things. To make a long story short, we had a lot of good communication about this and realized the compounding issues just blew everything out of proportion on her end. And on my end I realized that I need to try to be there more for my partner, especially if there’s no one else she can talk to about something.
We resolved this, at least I sure hope so this time (that’s a small inside joke now), and while I was still a bit uneasy when we got in the hotel, things would be okay. We settled in a bit and relaxed before going to the pup night while we watched a video about how BNPL is imploding.
(It’s an hour later and I’m still writing this damn thing. Time to get off the treadmill and switch to my desk chair.)
We drove to the gay bar and I was definitely feeling the butterflies in my stomach. I was still excited, but at this point I was also trying to convince myself that it will be okay. I got very nervous when we looked inside and saw how empty the bar was. Neither my partner nor I really knew what to expect in terms of size of the venue, turnout, etc. She had been in contact with some folks organizing the event or running the bar to get general information and we assumed it was going to be pretty decently busy given it was a Friday night.
But I persevered, I was going to make the best of this night because, dammit, we drove up here for pups at a gay bar! So we got scanned in and found an empty table by the dance floor where there was a DJ spinning some sort of trap/club music. While it’s not exactly my favorite style, it wasn’t too bad either. There was a pretty interesting drag queen performance going on, again not quite my thing but I can appreciate the artform!
As time went on, I could feel my anxiety ease and I was getting more into the “enjoyment” mode of things, right? I mean, I was still keeping very much to myself and my partner (who was also my handler), but I was just happy about being at the event right now. When the drag performance ended, people cleared out a bit and I was sort of just people watching for a little while.
Every now and then I’d look around a bit and only see the couple of pups that were already there and no one new. I’m not sure why, but this is when my anxiety and discomfort levels started to increase again. I felt awkward just sitting there, but I could not will myself to get up and move around. Even now I look back at this in confusion because I can so easily visualize myself getting up and walking around, but in the moment that was the scariest thing ever. I froze up and my body and mind both refused to do anything but stare at my phone screen and become increasingly more aware of how awkward this felt.
At one point, my partner got up to talk to the bartend to find out what was going on and it turns out that the event normally has a few more pups, but they were not present for one reason or another. The person my partner spoke to apparently felt bad that THIS was the first time we decided to come and see the somewhat sad state of the virtually empty bar. I looked around and saw pups that I wanted to say hi to, but I just didn’t know how to. And stay with me, because I think this may actually make sense. I’m normally able to navigate group social situations in a somewhat reasonable manner because I know how to talk to people and I don’t generally have a pup hood on that makes it both a bit harder to hear and a bit harder to speak. Then there’s the music in the club being as loud as it was, which of course makes sense. But here’s the thing: I didn’t really feel comfortable or know how to gracefully go up to someone and try to tell in their ear to make a conversation. I think this is a big part of my problem and why I don’t think dance parties or bars are really my scene?
At this point I didn’t know what to do, so I stayed glued to the seat as I, still, becoming increasingly ever more aware of the awkwardness that was this pup in an orange hood. An orange pup hood, that for better or for worse, was very UV reactive and was impossible to miss. I saw pups walking by and I didn’t say anything or even wave because I didn’t want to make a fool of myself or embarrass myself, I guess. Looking back, it sort of had that first day of school vibe to it as well. The only person I knew there was my partner, but we both knew I was there to meet other pups and make new friends. Hell, at this point my words were barely above a mumble when I tried to talk to my partner. I didn’t know anyone else and I didn’t dare speak up out of fear of becoming that idiot that doesn’t know how things work at this new school, so to speak.
The rest is sort of a blur as my mind went into full panic and shutdown mode: my partner just got back from the bar with a mocktail and I saw what I think were three or four pups behind her all chatting with each other. I came to the bar to be seen and meet new pups. Hell, I set things up so that when you boop my pup hood nose with your phone, an NFC tag pings your phone with this website so I could share my contact information easily. I put a lot of thought into this because I was committing hard to this and wanted to make the best of it. With the best of intentions and the opportunity to stand up and do an awkward little wave to say hello, I panicked and wanted nothing more than to get out of there as soon as possible. Something in me tripped and the culmination of the awkwardness from the night came crashing down on me all at once. I didn’t want to be seen now.
To my partner’s credit when I told her I just wanted to go now, she didn’t hesitate despite just getting a fun little mocktail to drink. Originally I wanted to let her finish, but she said it was going to be a hot minute. I couldn’t wait that long, so I took my hook off, packed my things up and we left for the car. If I had a tail at that moment, it wouldn’t just be between my legs, it would be wrapped around my leg several times.
The drive back to the hotel was really quiet, as far as I can remember. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I was starting to spiral as I got into the room. I legitimately was repulsed when I saw my pup hood and gear. I wanted to be as far away from it as possible because at that moment it reminded me of how I felt in the bar. Again, my partner is incredible and I cannot sing her praises enough. She cuddled up with me in bed and was content to just be there with me.
For the next couple of hours, my submissive and I messaged back and forth while my partner slept next to me. I was still in a bit of a spiral downward, but my pup was helping to pull me out of it. At this point I didn’t feel like I deserved to have a pup of my own considering that I couldn’t even do a simple thing like attend a pup night at a gay bar. I can’t think of less intimidating folks than a bunch of gay guys who decided to show up for a pup night and drag. I remember telling my pup “I don’t deserve the shitty title of Alpha that I gave myself”. That’s what it felt like: I honestly didn’t think I deserved that and I felt like I gave it to myself instead of earning it.
The night continued on with my pup helping me through everything and while I was not 100% better, I was okay enough to at least go to sleep. Needless to say, things did not go as planned at the bar or for this whole trip to Charlotte in general. One of the lingering worries that evening and the next morning was that I wasted time and money on a pup event (again). I felt like I hardly made any progress, burned just over a hundred bucks on the hotel room for no reason, and dragged my partner around for me to not get anything out of the event.
I still have a couple of things to write about, but I will save those for tomorrow, possibly. I’m at around 3,000 words for this entry, my dog needs to be fed dinner, and I’m getting a bit burned out writing all this down.